


Goodbye, old friend.

by Manysidesofmyself



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Goodbye, HLV AU, Johnlock - Freeform, M/M, many tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-13 02:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1208722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manysidesofmyself/pseuds/Manysidesofmyself
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hello everyone! This is my first fic for Johnlock. I ship it like crazy, but never had written anything worth publishing, but I think this one is good. So, this is set in HLV, when Sherlock is going away for murdering Magnussen. Only in this AU, he asks Mycroft if he can talk to John alone in their flat. So no Mary, no security, no Mycroft. Only the two of them. Let's see what happens!</p><p>warning: this might make you cry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye, old friend.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a short playlist if you'd like to hear while reading:
> 
> Ellie Goulding - How Long Will I Love You  
> A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover  
> Dave Baxter - Whispers

Both men sat in their armchairs, as if the upcoming events were as threatening as a tiny little fly. Inside their flat, it felt like the world was small and bearable, it felt like they were invincible.

That’s why Sherlock asked Mycroft if he could talk to John there. Alone.

John snorted a laugh, it was supposed to lighten up the mood, but it came out as bitter.

Sherlock sighed lowly.

That was it.

_No words? Really, not even a single word? Nothing?_

They were used to that. Staying silent. Like they had somehow acquired the ability to read each other’s minds.

_Farewell. Adieu. Goodbye._

John’s heart hadn’t been that heavy in years. His throat tightened painfully whenever he tried to speak. But certainly it couldn’t end without words. No, not without at least a single word.

Sherlock was the first to win over the dreadful silence.

\- So... John, - he smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

\- So... - John answered lubberly.

\- This... - he paused briefly to force his voice to come out right - I hope this is not the end. - he uttered, broken by the white lie he made himself believe.

There was no actual hope.

John sniffed, as he always did when his pulse quickened and made itself audible to his own ears.

\- It’s not.

Sherlock again smiled, and this time his eyes squinted, but when he opened them again, everything was slightly out of focus.

_Hot tears. Hot pouring streams of pain._

\- Tell Mary... - he began, but knew inevitably that he could not end the sentence.

\- She knows, but this is not about her. - John assured him, placing a kind hand on top of his cold one.

Sherlock glanced to where the stocky form of his friend was, resting valiantly in the chair. How carefree he must appear to others... How peaceful his demeanor seems, when you don’t actually know him.

\- No... this is about us. - he admitted.

John smiled, clenching his other fist. Their hands turned and twisted together. It felt like a balm to be held like that, to have their fingers intertwined so sweetly, like they could have their dreams come true.

Sherlock made no sound, but the tears timidly ran through his cheeks. _Sentiment_. Once he thought it was a defect, human error. Now it was heaven and it was hell.

\- I wish we could... have this... - John squeezed his hand - ...always.

Sherlock could not respond, because now John too was crying and it was too much, way too much for him to bear. He let go of John’s hand and stood up as quickly as he could, he had to run away from all the pain. He couldn’t think straight, he couldn’t concentrate on anything else.

_John’s warmth, John’s heart pulsing through their tied fingers, John’s calm tears, John’s words._

\- Sherlock! - John shouted, standing in front of him like his life depended on it.

Truth was, it did. His whole world depended on Sherlock, he couldn’t let him go.

Sherlock shut out the world outside, letting his mind slowly crash and break down, piece by piece. John’s smile playing over and over in his head. And then he felt a strong hand pull his arm with such a force, his whole body spun around.

_John. John. John._

\- Sherlock... - was the faint whisper that escaped the doctor’s mouth until his lips met another pair of lips, equally eager, equally desperate.

They kissed. Long and painfully. Sherlock’s arms wrapped around the burly shoulders of his friend, bringing him impossibly closer as their tears mixed together in a bitter mess. He had never kissed anyone before... He had never been kissed. Not like that.

John clawed at the worn out coat, tugging Sherlock’s arms so he couldn’t escape.

_Desperation. Fear. Regret. Love._

It was John who parted first, eyes wide open to seek his friend’s.

Sherlock didn’t open his eyes. _It’s all a sweet fantasy, a fantastic dream and I don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to open my eyes and lose this._

\- Sherlock... - John called again, softly, as if the name could come out of his mouth and caress the pale cheeks moist with tears.

Then Sherlock opened his eyes.

\- John... - he whispered back, voice breaking miserably.

The busy street outside, the cars and bicycles, the pedestrians and shop owners, everyone and everything was wiped out of their minds.

_Just the two of us against the rest of the world._

\- You know I won’t came back. - Sherlock confessed through gritted teeth.

\- No, don’t.... don’t say that. You can’t say that. I... - struggled John, shaking his head frantically - You will come back, Sherlock, and when you do, it will be the two of us again. When you come back, I’ll be here and we’ll be Holmes and Watson again. - he said what sounded more like a plea.

Sherlock sobbed lowly.

\- You have a life ahead of you, John. Don’t put it on hold because of me. I already caused you too much pain. You have Mary and soon you’ll have a little girl and...

\- But I won’t have you. - John blurted without thinking, hands never leaving the thick fabric of the coat.

Sherlock stopped, eyes wide, and then he just smiled sadly.

\- But you do, John. You do have me.

_You always had._

John looked up to those lovely eyes, drinking in their tenderness, scarring in his mind every detail of that delicate face, every line and every colour. He was hideously certain he would never see them again.

And you have me, he wanted to promise, but that wasn’t the truth, was it? That was why Sherlock had to leave, that was the reason of all their pain and misery. John could never be his.

The moment passed and the words unspoken seemed to cool the atmosphere of the room.

\- I must go now. Mycroft is waiting downstairs and you know how patient he can be... - Sherlock mused, feigning a smile.

John didn’t smile back. He couldn’t bring himself to let go of that stupid coat, he felt paralyzed.

\- I love you. - he whispered almost inaudibly.

Sherlock’s smile vanished completely and he felt tears anew wash over his face.

\- What...? - he stuttered.

\- I love you. I have loved you since that crazy first day. I have loved you through your isolated moments and your infuriating plans. I have loved you through our dangerous adventures and our quiet nights. I have loved you even before I knew it. I have loved you, Sherlock Holmes, and I will continue to love until I am dust and ash and nothing. Because there will never be someone like you ever again and this empty world will turn gray the moment you walk out of that door.

Sherlock stood there, his neat white shirt soaked with tears, hands trembling furiously. There was nothing he could say that would even come close to what he was feeling, so he kissed him again. Wet and heartbreakingly.

He touched John everywhere. He mapped his neck, his shoulders, his arms. He marked his waist with his fingertips, burying them deep, bruising. He claimed John so both would never forget who they belonged to.

Finally, after their breaths were gone, he stopped. Panting and dizzy, Sherlock struggled with the tears.

There was only five words he could use now.

\- I love you too John.

John smiled between breaths and wiped his reddened eyes.

In that final moment they promised to never let go, to never forget.

Somehow, they would see each other again.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the tears, if I caused any, but I was in the mood for angst. I hope you liked it!


End file.
